In the second week of my Kitesurf trip to Morrocco I had a bad day. This is what I wrote at the time;
I think I’m about to give up kitesurfing and I dont know if its for the right reasons.
I first picked up a kite at uni 8 years ago, but the instructors weren’t that motivated to teach us and I’ve basically had to go it alone board-starts onwards because I was at that awkward stage that isn’t total beginner but not good enough for general coaching. At one stage I managed to get myself up to competent; cruising around and slide turns. But having not ridden for 3 years due to a unenthusiastic ex, I had to start over again-ish.
Then my confidence got in the way, I wasn’t as good as I used to be, I wasn’t as fit as I used to be, I got frustrated that I was doing a refresher every session and not progressing. So now, 8 years after I started, I’m about as good as I was 6 months after I started learning.
Every time I went out there was a mishap that knocked my confidence or if I chatted to other kiters I’d be dismissed as being pants, and if I can’t be part of that community then who can I turn to for pointers to improve?
It’s also disheartening when you go on a kite trip and the rest of the group keep going on about how they wish there were no twin-tips on the water, despite that being the standard way that everyone gets into the sport. Trying to learn on a surfboard would be near impossible from scratch.
I really like feeling like I can do stuff, and this constant not-being-good-enough is so draining that I’m really not getting any of the endorphine kick from spending my time doing it.
Maybe it’s negative self talk, maybe I just dont like kiting enough, maybe I need a cheerleader. But right now I’m tired and emotional; maybe it will all be OK in the morning.
Looking back this was definitely just a bad day, but it’s a stream of consciousness that I recognise in myself and others more often that anyone is willing to admit.
Does this effect you? What tricks do you use to keep your head in the game when you are doubting yourself? Maybe the world just need to stop tearing each other down to be able to be a positive and inclusive place.
I have since bought myself new kit and am excited to get back out on the water again, unfortunately Leucete did not provide the right conditions while I was there so I’m still waiting for that first ride! Thank you very much to the guys at Chinook in Leucete for the new kites, they have an amazing amount of stock so it was great to be able to show up out of the blue and walk away with stuff within 24 hours, most places I looked to try and buy gear needed to be ordered in advance which meant it wouldn’t work when I’m not staying in one place for long enough. (Not an ad- they will probably never know I posted this, I just received genuinely great service)