I was doing ok today, until I browsed Instagram and saw that 3 separate accounts had posted photos of places I had been on my travels.

Suddenly, I got emotional. In those places I felt light, free and full of potential. But now I feel weighed down with grief for what is lost

That my world has shrunk from the endless places that I have visited and would love to live, down to the 2 up 2 down terraced house in which I currently live.

I am sad today. My friend discovered that his cancer cannot be treated by the method he thought so he needs to raise $100,000 to travel from Michigan to Austria for treatment. It seems such a big, unattainable amount that I’m scared he won’t make it. The tumour is roughly the size of 2 nokia3310s so that is also terrifying.

The prospect of losing a friend has brought to vivid relief that I want to be better connected with my friends, but spread across the country that’s a hard thing to achieve, and finding a balance between friends, the stunning places in the world I’d love to live and sustainable work seems impossible.

But for now, all I can do is stop pretending to work, get on my ebike and put one pedal infront of the other. This won’t go on for ever. One day we will be released from our crysylis and then we can chose our new normal.